Title: Do You have a Dysfunctional Relationship with ‘Yes’ and ‘No’?

Today, I am going to talk to you about how the way that you use the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ impacts your well-being and whether you are held back or are able to move forward.

You need to know this because you have the right and the ability to manage your time and energy in a way that benefits you.

These two words are one of the main keys to managing your boundaries, which are the ways that you protect yourself in interpersonal interactions. They have to do with how your actions relate to what you want vs what others want from you.

Point one: A person can have a dysfunctional relationship with ‘yes’ and ‘no’

Some people say yes for all the wrong reasons. They say yes to doing things they don’t want to do because they believe they are responsible for other people’s feelings. They say yes to keep others happy rather than to have them be upset. This sets a person up to be bullied into doing things by someone who uses their moodiness or anger to get their way. Even if it is not a bully but it is someone they simply care about, the ‘yes’ person can find themselves doing too much at their own expense. This is the person who takes care of everyone else but neglects their self resulting in getting run down, sick, or depressed.

Some people think they need to say ‘yes’ in order to be a good person. And they feel like they are being mean or are being a bad person if they say ‘no.’ Some people have a very hard time saying ‘no.’ They feel they need to have a very good reason and if their reason isn’t good enough or accepted by others, then they don’t have the right to say ‘no.’ There are people who take advantage of this type of person. 

Have you heard the term human doormat? It means a person who submits without protest to abuse or indignities. To not become a doormat, you have to be able to say ‘no’ in order to protect yourself.

Point Two: A functional relationship with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ helps you to live the life you want

You want to say ‘yes’ to things you like and ‘no’ to things you don’t like. You say ‘yes’ to spending your time and energy being with people you enjoy doing things you like to do. For your own growth and happiness, you want to say ‘yes’ to new learning and experiences. It takes some guts and confidence to say ‘yes’ to new opportunities. This is what can take you forward into the life you want to live.

You also need the strength to say ‘no’ because your time and energy are limited. You need to take care of yourself. You have the right to take care of yourself. A mentally and physically healthy you has so much more good to offer. It is a useful skill to be able to say “No, I don’t want to do that because I want to do this.” Or to be able to say you need down time or personal time or alone time. 

There is another saying. The word “no” is a complete sentence. It means you do not have to give an explanation, you can simply say ‘no.’ Another person may want an explanation so they can determine if your reason is good enough. It is already good enough if you don’t want to do something. 

Of course, we all have to meet the requirements of our job description at work or our responsibilities to our families, but there has to be balance. Many people’s lives are out of balance.

Point Three: You will make better use of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ the more you know yourself

‘To thine own self be true.’ This is from Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet.

The quote “to thine own self be true” means that one should be true to their principles and who they are. They should not strive to please other people by changing what they believe in or acting in any way that is outside what they really want to do. 

This requires the ability to be aware of your own internal state, your feelings and your values. Activities like mindfulness, meditation or journaling or just quiet time reflecting can facilitate your self awareness.

SummarY

There are dysfunctional relationships and functional relationships with the words ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Having a healthy, functional ability to use those words is what helps you to build and live the life you want. It helps you to experience more enjoyment in your life. It helps you to go in the direction you want to go.

Going forward, try to notice the reasons you are saying ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ If you decide to work on your skills, start small. Accept an offer of food or drink, for example, based on how you really feel about it at that moment rather than just being polite. Larger challenges could be saying you are not available because you are doing something else or declining to take on more because you already have commitments. Or maybe you say ‘yes’ to an invitation even though you feel nervous but you are curious or you want to try. Remember to free up your time so you can say ‘yes!’

For more helpful info, check out my website at www.ldonreed.com and my facebook page is also @ldonreed. Until next time, keep learning and growing.